Making Peace with Anger
and using it to expand your consciousness
Happy Sunday, friends! We are finishing our series on anger today. If you missed it, we’ve been covering the wisdom, benefits, and common misunderstandings about anger. You can catch up here and here.
As promised, today we’ll explore how to manage and release the confusion around anger, boundaries, and your right to core needs. These aspects are deeply connected, yet I often see women struggle to navigate them—not by any fault of their own. Societal and cultural conditioning have long influenced how we suppress or misunderstand anger. Times are changing, and the way we view and process anger is evolving with women’s consciousness.
If you’ve ever questioned whether your anger is valid, hesitated to set boundaries out of guilt, or ignored your needs to avoid conflict, it’s likely because you were never taught how to handle these aspects of yourself in a healthy way.
We’re often conditioned to suppress anger, accommodate others, and dismiss our discomfort. But anger is not a problem—it’s a signal. As we discussed in previous articles, anger arises when a boundary is crossed or a need goes unmet.
There has been a long-standing essence of shame around anger, and this is not ok. Having anger is not something we should run away from. Learning to interpret and act on this signal is a superpower; it’s what leads to emotional clarity, self-respect, and a level of empowerment that feeds your life. When we ignore it or suppress it, it becomes the bad guy—manifesting as resentment, chronic stress, misplaced frustration, or even physical illness.
We’ve covered the difference between constructive and destructive anger, and how to process it productively. You can read about it here. Today, we’re shifting from reflection to action. What to do when anger hits in real-time. Because, let’s be honest, anger doesn’t wait until we’re ready. It surfaces in conversations, at work, in relationships, and in moments where we feel unheard, disrespected, or pushed past our limits. For some of us, these trigger points happen quite often.
Most of us weren’t taught how to navigate anger in a way that honors both ourselves and our relationships. Instead, we tend to fall into two extremes: suppressing it (leading to resentment and exhaustion) or exploding (causing harm and regret). But there’s a way to use anger proactively rather than letting it control us.
Recognizing Your Personal Patterns with Anger and Boundaries
Shifting how we relate to anger isn’t always easy. If you’ve spent years suppressing it or feeling guilty for having it, learning to embrace anger as a tool for empowerment will take some unlearning and practice.
Before we dive into managing boundaries and honoring core needs, take a moment to reflect:
How do I currently respond to anger? Do I shut down, lash out, or avoid conflict?
Where in my life do I consistently override my own needs?
What boundaries do I struggle to enforce?
If you’re unsure where your boundaries have been crossed, your body is likely already telling you. Anger is often stored physically before we even recognize it emotionally. Take a moment to check in:
Do you feel tightness in your jaw, neck, or shoulders?
Do you clench your fists or experience shallow breathing when frustrated?
Do you feel a pit in your stomach when confronted with a boundary violation?
These physical cues are important signals that something isn’t aligned. They offer valuable insight into when and where we need stronger boundaries.
If you want to dive deeper into understanding your personal boundaries, check out these articles here and here.
Boundaries and the Right to Core Needs
At its core, anger is often a response to a violation of our needs or values. It flares up when we feel unheard, unseen, or disrespected—when we give too much without receiving, or when we’ve sacrificed ourselves to maintain peace. But here’s the truth: your needs are valid, and your boundaries deserve to be honored.
What Are Core Needs?
Core needs are the fundamental aspects of our well-being—physical, emotional, and psychological. Some examples include:
The need to be respected
The need for rest and personal space
The need to feel emotionally safe in relationships
The need to say “no” without guilt
The need to be heard and valued
When these needs are consistently neglected or dismissed, anger arises as a natural defense. This is why setting boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s an act of self-preservation and self-respect.
Recognizing When Your Needs Are Unmet
Identifying your core needs is the first step, but the real shift happens when you start using anger as a tool to advocate for them rather than suppressing or misdirecting it. So, what can you do when anger arises in the moment?
Instead of just reacting to anger, use it as a guide:
Pause & Name It → “I’m feeling angry. What’s behind this?”
Identify the Need → “Am I feeling unheard, disrespected, or depleted?”
Choose How to Honor the Need → “What can I do right now to shift this productively?”
This process allows you to move from emotional reaction to intentional action, giving anger a purpose rather than letting it fester.
How Anger Reveals Unmet Needs
When anger arises, it’s often pointing to a deeper issue. Here’s how common triggers connect to unmet needs:
Feeling unheard in conversations → Need for respect and validation
Overcommitting and feeling drained → Need for rest and personal space
Feeling taken for granted in relationships → Need for reciprocity and appreciation
Resenting a lack of boundaries → Need for emotional and physical safety
Saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’ → Need for self-honoring choices
Example:
If you’re constantly irritated with your partner for not listening, the deeper issue may be the need to feel heard and valued. Instead of stewing in resentment, this is the moment to calmly express what you need: “I need to feel like my voice matters in our conversations. Can we work on that?"
Befriend Yourself: Meeting Your Needs Proactively
The goal isn’t just to respond to anger after it arises, it’s to honor your needs before anger has to do it for you.
Try these small but powerful shifts:
If you need respect → Stop over-explaining when you say “no.”
If you need rest & space → Schedule personal downtime without guilt.
If you need emotional safety → Step away from toxic conversations; don’t engage
If you need to be heard → Express yourself before resentment builds, not after.
Your needs don’t have to be a last-minute battle. The more you advocate for them consistently, the less anger has to do it for you.
Final Thought: Make Anger Your Ally
Anger isn’t here to control you—it’s here to wake you up. It’s a signal that something in your life needs your attention. Don’t be afraid when you feel it coming; anger is your friend and, when used correctly, your personal built-in knight in shining armor.
This week, I challenge you: The next time anger rises, pause and ask yourself:
What is this telling me?
What do I need?
How can I act on it before it turns into resentment?
I’d love to hear your insights—hit reply and let me know what you uncover. Your experience may be exactly what another woman needs to hear.
The inspiration for our next topic has not surfaced yet. This is an excellent opportunity to request a topic that has been on your heart or mind. I’d love to hear your thoughts! Hit me up with your requests.
See you next time, friends 😁