Friend or Foe?
How fear disrupts the benefits of your anger
Hello and happy Sunday. I hope everyone is loving the first signs of spring. I am so grateful for the little bit of sun we are finally seeing in the Northeast. One of the many reasons I moved home was to re-experience the change of the seasons, in particular, winter to spring. Nothing compares to the immense feelings of joy and hope that accompany this transition. It’s rebirth in real time; how lucky we are to live it!
Speaking of seasons, we did our last series on anger because anger is the emotion of spring; it’s a time for moving energy up and out, as anger does very well, and creating space for the new. Hence why most of you probably feel the urge to “spring clean’.
This brings me to our next focus: fear. Just as spring urges us to take action on our goals and deepest desires, fear often appears at the exact moment we’re ready to move forward. It can either push us into growth or keep us locked in place. And more often than not, we don’t even realize how much it’s influencing our decisions, or making us feel shame, guilt, or sadness around our urge for growth.
Spring is the opportune time to draft and align with our intentions for the year. Therefore, it is an appropriate time to look at fear and how it stops us from moving in the right direction, counteracting the work that anger is trying to do for us. If you’re new here or missed the anger series, you can catch up here, here, and here.
This counteraction is why many of us feel stuck and can’t seem to move forward—the space where anger and fear collide. The agony this creates within us is palpable.
Fear isn’t just an occasional feeling, it’s deeply embedded in human consciousness. We make more decisions based on fear than we realize, often without questioning whether it’s necessary or helpful. And while it’s true that fear is a survival mechanism designed to keep us safe, its role in modern life is more complex than just avoiding danger.
This is where I take issue with the oversimplified idea that fear is just a leftover relic from our ancestors who ran from saber-toothed tigers. That’s not how evolution works. Fear can’t just disappear, but we can adapt it. And in today’s world, we don’t need less fear; we need a more refined, conscious relationship with it. The real challenge isn’t eliminating fear—it’s learning how to engage with it. The idea of eliminating fear can lead to spiritual bypassing, or what many refer to as “toxic positivity”.
Just because sabre-tooth tigers don’t exist anymore, let’s not ignore this powerful emotion by pretending it’s not there or we don’t need it anymore.
The real questions to ask yourself: Are we letting it keep us small? Or are we using it as a guide for deeper self-awareness?
As we build on the evolution of our consciousness, it is essential to understand that fear is not our enemy, however, unchecked fear is sneaky and can wreak havoc on our lives without us even knowing. Here’s why:
Fear doesn’t just warn you about danger; it subconsciously dictates your choices when you’re not paying attention. It convinces you to stay in the job you hate because “it’s not the right time” to leave. It keeps you overthinking every decision instead of making a move. It tells you that speaking up will only lead to rejection, that failure is proof you’re not good enough, or that playing small is safer than taking up space.
Fear often disguises itself as logic, responsibility, or caution. But is it actually guiding you? Or, is it controlling you? If you find yourself stuck, second-guessing, or holding back, it’s worth asking: Who’s really making the decisions: you, or your fear?
Even as I write this, I’m realizing the ways fear has been limiting me this past year in my life transition from military leader to psycho-spiritual guide. Some of which just hit me this morning, right before sitting down to write. I’ve been silencing myself more than I realized, and if I’m being honest, it’s uncomfortable because I see where I have not been able to seize opportunity. Even though it’s just me realizing it within myself, I still feel a little internal embarrassment.
That’s exactly why I felt compelled to explore this, and refresh my own insights on fear as a spiritual guide in my work.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be digging into fear alongside you, not just in theory, but in my own life, and I look forward to sharing my journey with you.
Fear: The Mind’s Alarm System and How It Shapes Our Thinking
So, how does fear gain so much control over us without us even noticing? To understand that, we have to look at how fear is processed in the brain.
What Is Fear?
Fear is one of the most primal and deeply ingrained emotions in human consciousness, and it exists within the limbic system.
The limbic system is a key component of the autonomic nervous system (ANS), a part of the central nervous system, which helps regulate physiological responses to emotions like fear, stress, and pleasure. It also interacts with the endocrine system by signaling the hypothalamus to release stress hormones.
At its core, it’s a biological response designed to keep us safe. It alerts us to danger, heightens our senses, and prepares our body to react. This instinct has been crucial for human survival, helping our ancestors escape predators and navigate life-threatening situations. It came first in terms of human brain development.
Fear and the Development of Cognitive Functioning
Throughout evolution, our brains have come to develop neurodevelopment and executive functioning. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for logic, reasoning, and self-regulation, has matured over time. And as it develops, it doesn’t just have the capacity to override the limbic system, it also learns from it. If fear-based responses are reinforced enough, the brain essentially hardwires those patterns, turning fear into a habit rather than just a reaction.
This is why we don’t just feel fear in life-threatening moments, we feel it in decision-making, in relationships, in career moves. The brain has adapted fear for modern threats, and that adaptation is just as real as it was for our ancestors.
But here’s where things get tricky: If fear is reinforced by past experiences or conditioned beliefs, the prefrontal cortex can actually strengthen the fear response instead of neutralizing it. This is when fear leaks from an instinctual reaction into overanalyzing, chronic worry, and even long-term anxiety. But why does this happen?
The Brain’s Role in Fear Processing
Throughout evolution, our brains have developed more complex neurodevelopment and executive functioning. The prefrontal cortex (PFC), responsible for logic, reasoning, and self-regulation, has matured over time, giving us the ability to assess situations rather than reacting purely on instinct.
Unlike our ancestors, who relied solely on the limbic system (our brain’s emotional and survival center) to trigger fear and immediate action, we now have a higher-order thinking system that can step in, evaluate, and regulate fear responses.
However, that doesn’t mean fear is easily managed. Fear originates in the limbic system, and when we encounter a perceived threat, whether real or imagined, the brain reacts in a split second:
The Amygdala Reacts First: This small, almond-shaped structure detects a potential threat and instantly triggers an alarm in the brain.
The Hypothalamus Activates the Stress Response: It releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, preparing the body to react (increased heart rate, faster breathing, muscle tension).
The Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) Steps In: This is where rational thought should take over. Ideally, the PFC evaluates: Is this fear necessary? Is the threat real? If it determines there’s no actual danger, it should calm the amygdala and deactivate the stress response.
For many people, this regulation system works efficiently; fear is triggered, evaluated, and either acted upon or dismissed. But for others, the process is not so simple.
Why Some People Struggle More with Fear Regulation
In a well-functioning brain, the PFC has the ability to override the limbic system in several ways:
Cognitive Reappraisal: The PFC assesses fear rationally and reinterprets whether a situation is truly dangerous. This is why, after the initial shock of a loud noise or an unexpected confrontation, we can pause and think: “Is this actually a threat?” If the PFC determines there’s no real danger, it can downregulate the fear response.
Emotional Regulation: The PFC controls emotional impulses, preventing us from acting on fear-driven reactions. Instead of immediately withdrawing from a challenge or lashing out in defense, we can use emotional awareness and self- soothing techniques to navigate the situation more effectively.
Delayed Response Mechanism: The PFC creates space between stimulus and reaction, allowing us to respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively. This ability to pause before reacting is what differentiates conscious decision-making from pure instinct.
However, the PFC doesn’t always succeed in overriding fear. If fear-based responses are reinforced repeatedly, the brain hardwires those patterns, making fear not just a reaction but a deeply ingrained habit.
Chronic Stress Weakens the PFC: When a person is under constant stress, the PFC’s ability to regulate emotions diminishes, allowing the amygdala to hijack control. This is why highly stressed individuals experience heightened fear responses and difficulty making rational decisions.
Past Conditioning & Trauma: If someone has repeated negative experiences, the PFC may not challenge fear but justify it instead. For example, if you’ve been rejected in the past, your PFC might rationalize avoidance as a protective measure, reinforcing fear-based decision-making rather than correcting it.
Neurodivergent Perspectives: For neurodivergent individuals (such as those with ADHD or autism), the PFC-limbic connection may function differently. Emotional regulation can take longer, or in some cases, be offline, making it harder to override fear responses. This is why mindfulness, structured emotional awareness, and body-based practices are particularly important for neurodivergent individuals, it helps strengthen the PFC’s ability to engage before fear takes over.
When Fear Becomes a Mental Habit
Over time, fear doesn’t just happen, it becomes ingrained. Each time we respond to a situation with fear, the neural pathways between the amygdala and PFC strengthen that response, making it more automatic. This is neuroplasticity in action: the brain’s ability to rewire itself based on repeated experiences.
At first, fear is a reaction. But if reinforced over time, it transforms into a deeply conditioned pattern, one that leaks into everyday decision-making, causing overanalyzing, hesitation, and avoidance instead of action.
This is why we stay stuck in fear-based thinking loops, even when no real danger exists:
“I can’t trust people because I was hurt before.”
“I’ll never be successful because I failed once.”
“If I step out of my comfort zone, something bad will happen, I will face rejection again.”
Breaking the Cycle
The good news? Neuroplasticity works both ways. Just as the brain can wire itself into fear, it can also unwire those patterns, so long as we consciously engage in practices that challenge and reframe our fear responses. Through awareness, self-reflection, and intentional action, we can strengthen the PFC’s role in regulating fear, shifting from reactive to empowered decision-making.
Understanding vs. Overcoming Fear
The goal isn’t to eliminate fear—it’s to build a conscious relationship with it. Fear isn’t always wrong, but it shouldn’t be the loudest voice in the room. Instead of letting fear dictate decisions, we can learn to recognize when it’s serving us versus when it’s holding us back.
As we continue this series, we’ll explore:
How fear is currently holding us back in our own lives
What to do in the face of fear, and how to break free from fear-based thinking
How to recognize the difference between fear and intuition
Ways to shift fear into an ally instead of an enemy
Recognizing Fear in Our Own Lives - A Reflective Exercise
As we start this journey, I encourage you to start noticing where fear is showing up in your life: When it has genuinely protected you, and when it has kept you small.
Awareness is the first step, and I’ll reflect alongside you. Here are some questions you can begin to reflect on:
Bringing Awareness to Feeling Stuck
Have I been feeling stuck or stagnant in any area of my life? If so, where?
Is there something I keep telling myself I’ll do “one day” but never seem to start?
Are there recurring patterns in my life where I feel blocked, frustrated, or hesitant?
Do I avoid certain conversations, opportunities, or decisions without fully understanding why?
When I think about making a big change, do I feel an invisible force pulling me back?
When I feel fear, where do I feel this in my body? How do I know it is present?
Recognizing Fear’s Influence
Could fear be playing a role in these areas where I feel stuck?
Do I tell myself logical reasons for not moving forward, but deep down feel something else is stopping me?
Have I ever dismissed an opportunity, but still feel pulled to want it? Does it keep coming back to haunt me?
Have I ever dismissed an opportunity because I felt I wasn’t “ready” or “good enough”?
What is my first reaction when I’m faced with uncertainty or the unknown?
Distinguishing Protective Fear vs. Limiting Fear
Can I recall a time when fear truly protected me from harm? What did that feel like?
When has fear held me back from something I deeply wanted and knew was good for me?
How do I know the difference between fear that is a warning vs. fear that is just resistance to change?
Understanding the Patterns of Fear
Are there specific fears that have been with me for a long time? Where might they have come from?
What negative beliefs do I hold about myself?
How do I typically respond to fear—do I freeze, avoid, overanalyze, or push through?
Reframing and Moving Forward
If fear were not a factor, what choices would I make differently?
How would my life look if I trusted myself more than I feared failure?
What is one small action I can take to move through a fear-based pattern today?
Happy reflecting, friends! I’ll see you here next time as we move deeper into understanding, challenging, and ultimately transforming our relationship with fear so that it no longer holds us back, but empowers us to move forward.