Finding Emotional Freedom
regulating emotions through equanimity and non-attachment
Hello, my Friends; I hope all is well. We are nearing the end of October, and from what I can gather, October has been a big transitional month for many of us. I am sending extra love and support as you continue navigating your transitions and moving up and on. I’m proud of you!
Some good news to share: our first workshop was a huge success. We dove into all things intuition and found some real magic in raw vulnerability and sharing community. My soul is so overfilled with joy that it’s overwhelming in the best way possible.
We had a lot of fun, and I was amazed by the strength of these women. It was a great experience, and I am eagerly looking forward to more of these amazing community events. I will keep you all posted!
Over the next few weeks, I will introduce different spiritual theories on emotional regulation. Today, we will touch on the idea of equanimity from the Buddhist point of view on the term attachment. I say “touch on” because this practice is highly involved and can be studied for years while learning new things as one grows. Today is about introducing the idea and allowing you to reflect and hopefully gain some awareness for your own life.
This expands our discussion about regulating emotions. If you missed the first few articles, you can catch up here and here.
I will also offer some tools and practices at the end of this article so that you can practice everything we discuss.
What is attachment from the Buddhist’s point of view?
In Buddhism, attachment is seen as a primary cause of suffering and a barrier to inner peace. The concept, known as "upādāna," refers to a strong clinging to desires, possessions, people, or even ideas that we feel will bring us happiness or security.
In our Western culture, we cling tightly to our desires, possessions, and people and tie our identities to what we believe success looks like. This is often associated with our social status, jobs, or careers. I am not stating this as a negative thing, as it is a part of our culture, and culture is what culture does.
As stated above, these attachments are considered the root of emotional suffering.
Key Insights
Buddhist teachings highlight that clinging is one of the roots of suffering. When we attach ourselves to transient things or people, our happiness becomes dependent on their constancy. This craving (for sensory experiences, existence, or even non-existence) perpetuates dissatisfaction and suffering. Here’s why:
Impermanence
This is the idea that everything is subject to change. Clinging to things as if they’re permanent is misguided and a source of pain. For example, relationships or material items can provide joy, but they can also change or be lost, and that loss can lead to suffering. When I think of impermanence, I think of the phrase “this too shall pass.”
This is not to say that we can’t get excited about things or that joy doesn’t have its place in our lives. We absolutely should celebrate and cherish what matters to us.
The problem is allowing events, things, people, or outcomes to control our happiness. The popular saying nowadays is “dopamine hit”. That’s the high we get from excitement.
For my fellow neurodivergent friends, this is taking extra care to discern the difference between joy and excitement. Joy is a sense of happiness, peace, calmness, contentment, and delight all at once. Excitement is a high. While it’s ok to experience the highs of excitement, it can negatively impact us if we start to associate this high as happiness. Excitement also activates parts of our nervous system, which can inadvertently become an addictive practice.
When we allow ourselves to get too high, the lows feel lower. It’s a pendulum effect.
For everyone, the secret is to find your sense of joy at your center and allow external circumstances to delight us, not control us. What we are looking for is to feel joy without needing proof. Just exist and feel it.
The more we flex this muscle, the more joy takes over and seeps into your outer circumstances. I picture it like a cup that overflows. In my own experience, my outer circumstances began to change once I learned to cultivate joy from within, instead of searching for it on the outside.
It is surprising how much your outer circumstances will change to match your joy when you cultivate it from within first. Even if you think it’s impossible to change your outer circumstances, I like to give the Divine some credit and let it work its magic. All you have to do is be with joy.
Selflessness and Unity
Attachment often arises from a sense of self that separates us from others. We cling to things we believe "belong" to us or define our identity. Buddhism teaches that this notion of a separate self is an illusion, and true peace comes from realizing our interconnectedness and letting go of this self-centered attachment. This is called unity.
In Western culture, identity is very important, especially in the United States, where our nation’s foundation is based on individualism. I am not proposing that we drop our own core values as part of this nation. I am proposing that we learn to see how we are all connected, to witness the unity that exists beyond our eyesight.
Experiencing or witnessing unity can be tricky because humans have an ego, and the ego can prevent us from understanding this concept. I want to clarify that ego is not an enemy. It is an amazing part of being human, and it is what gives us the capability to make things happen. It is why you can rely on yourself.
We are all born with a sense of unity, and a boundaryless connection to the Divine. Ego begins to form as young as 18 months, and is more strongly developed by age 7. When the ego develops, we begin to separate from the sense of unity and internal boundaries form, weakening our fluid connection with the Divine. These boundaries are reinforced by culture, again, especially in the United States, where individualism is a core value.
Taking measures to relax our ego when it’s appropriate creates real and lasting changes in emotional regulation.
Relaxing the ego to experience unity is often most appropriate when situations call for empathy, openness, and a shift from personal agendas to broader perspectives.
Practicing Non-attachment
Practicing non-attachment is not about renouncing everything or avoiding relationships but involves a balanced engagement where we can love, experience, and appreciate fully without grasping. In Buddhist practice, developing non-attachment allows for joy and appreciation without an underlying fear of loss or change.
Here are a few things that will help you practice non-attachment and grow joy naturally from within.
Equanimity Meditation: Equanimity meditation is a practice that cultivates a balanced, calm state of mind that remains steady in the face of life’s highs and lows. It is rooted in Buddhist teachings and refers to the ability to experience emotional equilibrium, accepting pleasure and pain, success and failure, praise and criticism, without becoming overly reactive or attached. It helps in observing all experiences with a sense of openness and neutrality, reducing the emotional charge that usually arises from judgments and preferences. You can check out some guided meditations here
and here
Try to bring equanimity to everyday interactions and situations. Whether faced with frustration, disappointment, or excitement, remind yourself to observe and accept rather than react. With time, equanimity meditation becomes a mindset, enabling you to approach life with steady, grounded openness.
Relaxing the Ego: You can practice relaxing the ego in both practical and spiritual ways.
Practical options include during conflict or tension. When arguments or differences arise, relaxing the ego can help us step back and listen without a need to "win" or be right. Articulate it by saying, “I’m letting go of my personal need to be right so I can truly understand where you’re coming from.”
Also, in collaborative or group settings. Practicing unity in teams or social circles can foster connection and creativity. Frame it by thinking, “I’m setting aside my ego to focus on the collective good and to honor everyone's contributions equally.”
Spiritual ways include practicing compassion or mindfulness. Letting go of self-centered concerns to connect with others deeply can enhance compassion.
Consider the approach, “I’m releasing my own narrative to fully witness and be present with the experiences of others.”
For more information on the wonderful benefits of empathy and connection, you can click here and here.
Moments of Gratitude or Awe are also great for practicing relaxing the ego. Experiencing beauty, nature, or profound gratitude can lead to an ego-less connection with the world. Go out into nature and connect with your heart.
Observing Thoughts and Emotions: Another way to practice non-attachment is through observing your thoughts and emotions without labeling them. When you feel a strong emotion, instead of reacting or judging, try to simply notice it as if you were watching a scene unfold.
For example, if you feel frustration during a conversation, mentally note, "This is frustration," without identifying with it or taking it personally. Imagine the feeling like a wave rising and falling, knowing it will pass. You might say to yourself, “This emotion is here now, but it’s not me, and it doesn’t control me.”
This mindful distancing allows you to acknowledge emotions without attaching to them, creating space for calm and balanced responses. Over time, this practice helps you see emotions and thoughts as passing experiences rather than things that define or control you.
Conclusion
As we navigate the ups and downs of life, cultivating practices like equanimity and non-attachment empowers us to meet each experience with a steady, open heart. Embracing these tools doesn't mean ignoring challenges or bypassing emotions; it’s about creating space to respond instead of react, allowing us to flow with life more freely.
Until next time, may you find balance, clarity, and peace in every moment. I will see you here in a few weeks where we will introduce another practice for emotional regulation.