Understanding Rejection

and the beautiful power of connection

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

Hello my loves and welcome to Leo season! ‘Tis the season for fiery energy, and I hope you are feeling amazing.

Lately, the topic of rejection has been particularly significant to me, and I've noticed it resonating in many people's lives over these past few months. Personally, I've been grappling with the anxiety of self-rejection, which has led me to share my thoughts on this common experience.

This week, we'll explore the beautiful impact of connection in our lives and the intense feelings that arise from experiencing rejection.

Rejection manifests in various forms and can wield significant negative power. While spiritually, we can strive to find the positive aspects of facing rejection; the reality is that the process is often brutal and undeniably painful. Rejection appears when we don’t feel seen or heard, when we go through a romantic breakup, when we engage in negative self-talk, feel criticized, judged, excluded, or ignored… etc. We will go into more depth on the forms of rejection this next week.

To all my ladies dealing with rejection lately, I feel you 100%. We will spend the next few weeks talking about connection, rejection, and finding the positive together.

The Power of Community and Connection

Humans are communal creatures; we are wired to be accepted. We need connection and community for survival. When we are witnessed (feeling seen, heard, and accepted), our bodies are rewarded on a physiological, psychological, and spiritual level.

Many times, we can be hard on ourselves for feeling bad about having been rejected, as if we should feel guilt or shame because we are suffering. We want to be quick to deny that the rejection is causing us pain or even tell ourselves to “just get over it.” It’s not that simple.  

When you read the benefits of connection, this will help you understand why being accepted means so much to us as humans and why we will go to great lengths to avoid rejection, including overriding our gut instincts.

Physiological Benefits

Neurologically, we experience the release of dopamine (our feel-good, mood-boosting neurotransmitter) and oxytocin (our bonding hormone) and the reduction of anxiety and stress (measured by the reduced amygdala activity in the brain). This combination can feel like bliss.

Our endocrine system decreases cortisol levels, and endorphins, our natural painkillers, are released, increasing the feeling of pleasure.

Cardiovascular benefits include lowered blood pressure and improved heart rate variability, which means better stress resilience. We also experience improved immune function and anti-inflammatory benefits.

Our brains experience improved cognitive function, including better problem-solving abilities, creativity, decision-making skills, and stimulated brain plasticity, which is the ability to reorganize and form new neural connections. This can improve learning, memory, and cognitive flexibility. So, we get smarter :)

Hormonally, we see a reduction of stress hormones and regulated hormonal balance.

Psychological and Spiritual Benefits

Emotionally, feeling seen and heard validates our feelings, experiences, and existence, reinforcing that our emotions and thoughts are legitimate and important. The power of a fruitful witness in our lives gives us a mirror, which reflects that what we are experiencing, feeling, or thinking is real. For humans, this validates our very existence and lived experience as true.   

Sharing our thoughts and feelings with someone who listens provides a significant emotional release, reducing stress and preventing emotional buildup. When others acknowledge and appreciate us, it boosts our self-esteem and self-worth, helping us feel more confident and valued.

Connection enhances our self-awareness. Talking about our experiences and receiving feedback helps us gain insights into ourselves, promoting greater self-awareness and personal growth. Discussing our thoughts and feelings with others can provide new perspectives and clarity, helping us better understand our situations and make more informed decisions. Knowing that someone is there to listen and support us strengthens our emotional resilience and provides us with a sense of safety.

Spiritually, we have the same desire as the Divine, and that is to be connected as one. When we are connected to other people, we feel complete, whole, and alive. Feeling understood and accepted promotes inner peace and spiritual well-being, helping us feel more centered and aligned with our true selves. Alignment offers a place of joy, determination, confidence, resilience, and inner peace.

Positive reinforcement from others can motivate and inspire us to pursue our goals and dreams with greater determination and confidence. The process of being seen and heard facilitates personal growth and transformation, as we are encouraged to explore our potential and evolve as individuals.

Being seen and heard can reinforce our sense of purpose and meaning in life, as our experiences and contributions are recognized and valued by others. Knowing that our voice matters and that we are understood empowers us to express ourselves more authentically and take needed action in our lives.

Why Rejection Hurts

After reading about the benefits of connection, I’m sure you can imagine why the opposite of connection (rejection) would be dreadful. If we aren’t living with all the benefits of connection and feeling witnessed, then what are we left with?

Rejection causes visceral reactions within us. When it happens, we face physiological changes in our bodies, and the pain runs deep. This also pertains to the ending of a romantic relationship. Our bodies are suffering from rejection.

Since we are communal creatures, rejection is a death threat. Our bodies freak out because we are wired to understand that we will die without the safety of our community (or romantic relationship). When our bodies freak out, it sends chemical messages to our brains, which then becomes a psychological understanding that we are in crisis.

Rejection doesn’t always have to be casting someone out. You can face rejection in your interpersonal relationships (romantic or not) on a daily basis. Our bodies and minds will still react to the rejection, which is why you can feel so lonely in someone’s presence or triggered by your partner’s rejection in relationships.

The experience of rejection activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain. This overlap means that emotional pain from rejection can be as intense as physical pain. Prolonged exposure to rejection-related stress can also affect our immune system and overall health. Depending on the severity of the rejection, it can be considered traumatizing.

Anxiety and stress from rejection can cause an elevated heart rate, feelings of nervousness or distress can lead to sweating, and anxiety and emotional distress can cause rapid or shallow breathing.

Emotional stress from rejection can lead to muscle tension, especially in the neck, shoulders, and back. Stress and tension from emotional distress can trigger headaches or migraines. The emotional toll of rejection can lead to physical exhaustion and fatigue. Stress and anxiety can disrupt the digestive system, causing stomachaches, nausea, or changes in appetite.

Rejection-related stress can make it difficult to fall asleep, stay asleep, or experience restful sleep. Chronic stress can weaken the immune system, making one more susceptible to illnesses, infections, and inflammation, which can contribute to various health issues.

Psychologically, rejection leads to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and depression. It can trigger negative thought patterns and self-doubt, eroding our confidence and mental health. This will make us behave in all sorts of peculiar ways, especially internalizing the situation and wrestling with awful negative thoughts. We will subconsciously try to convince ourselves to do anything we can to prevent, fix, or deny the rejection because it is too terrible to face. We tend to begin to attack ourselves in whatever way is habitual to our unique self.

Spiritually, we can feel as if we have lost our light or our hope. Rejection can isolate us from others and our spiritual selves because it causes us to doubt our worth and identity, leading to a disconnect from our true self and purpose. The pain of rejection can disturb our inner peace, filling us with feelings of hurt, anger, or sadness that can cloud our spiritual clarity.

Spiritual growth often requires openness and connection. Rejection can create barriers that hinder our ability to grow and evolve spiritually because we close our hearts to future potential hurt. Holding onto the pain of rejection can fill us with negative energies such as resentment, bitterness, or fear, which can block positive spiritual energy.

Maintaining Connection

This week, I invite you to reflect on all areas of your life. Where do you have fulfilling connections, and where might you be experiencing rejection? When do you feel all the benefits of connection? And when are you feeling these pain points of rejection? Look within yourself as well because self-rejection is a real thing (this is currently my own experience). I encourage you to fill your days with more connection vs. rejection if and where you can control that.

Next week, we will discuss the different forms of rejection and how we can cope with or transmute the experience. I’m a big fan of silver linings, and when we face something as big as rejection, we need to find the positives in our experience.

Happy Sunday, loves!  Enjoy your beautiful day!