“You have to forgive yourself because self-shame is self-sabotage.”
-@wetheurban
Hey there, Soul Sisters! Can you feel the summer vibes? I’m loving this energy ☀️ 🏖️. How about you?
I asked for you, my dear community, to let me know if there were any topics you wanted to discuss, and I’m excited to say that suggestions started flowing in! Our first request was for self-forgiveness, which beautifully bridges the past theme of shame (catch up here) and a future discussion on resilience.
The definition of forgiveness is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone (or ourselves) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. How often do we struggle with this, though? Many times we find ourselves wanting to forgive, but somehow, it seems stuck, especially when it comes to forgiving ourselves. Unfortunately, we have been led to believe that forgiveness is a choice, something we can declare and make it so. However, it’s not that simple.
In order to understand how or why it can be done, it's important to examine why this need to forgive builds up in the first place and what it does to our body and mind. This phenomenon begins in our bodies with the accumulation of emotional buildup. From a Spiritual standpoint, forgiveness is an act of release, NOT an act of will. If we remove the word “forgive” from the equation, you are left with yourself, your body, and the opportunity to balance yourself by releasing emotional buildup. When you remove the words from it, you remove the need to replay the story that keeps you stuck.
The key to forgiving others is being able to forgive ourselves first. The ability to forgive is not a matter of words, but of actions and steps we can take within ourselves.
Shall we begin?
The Accumulation of Emotional Buildup
Life experiences shape us in various ways, leaving their mark on us. Negative, traumatic, or hurtful events can linger, like items accumulating in an open bag, each adding to the load we carry. When left unaddressed, these accumulations grow over time, creating a heavy load of resentment, guilt, shame, and self-blame—even if the original offenses were not our own (like childhood trauma, loss, or unprocessed grief). We’ll call this initial accumulation a vortex.
Then, throw in some more factors like suppressed emotions, living in conflict with your core values, toxic relationships, stress, overwhelm, negative self-talk, and bam! You’ve got the right-sized vortex to create the perfect storm. When we accumulate these things, we store them in our bodies and unconscious, where the energy is heavy. It clouds our hearts and minds and makes us turn on ourselves. The built-up guilt, shame, and resentment play like a broken record in the back of our minds, reminding us that we must continue to feel the guilt in order to suffer for what we’ve done. This self-punishment is the only way we think we can redeem ourselves. This can happen without your conscious awareness, which is why some of us can’t seem to figure out why we keep behaving in ways to punish ourselves.
This accumulation process is not entirely intellectual or rational. This is why you’ve probably tried to will yourself to forgive something in the past, yet had little to no success. Or wondered why saying “I’m just going to let it go” didn’t work. In fact, I encourage you not to do this because you are overriding your emotions and adding to your vortex for future storms.
We all know the saying, “Time heals all wounds.” I’m sure time helps, but it is not the healer. I believe time is just a coincidence here. I’ll repeat what I said earlier: forgiveness is an act of release rather than an act of will. I have seen that adding some non-intellectual, experiential modalities can release these accumulations much faster than “time.”
The Impact of Emotional Buildup on Our Health
Emotional buildup impacts more than just our mental health. When we experience an emotion, we experience physiological changes in the body and even behavioral changes in reaction to the emotion (some more than others). It is no surprise that both the impact of feelings and emotions themselves get stored in the body.
This can impact our health from issues like chronic pain or illness, autoimmune or endocrine system dysfunction, depression, heart disease, digestive system issues, and those mysterious undiagnosable ailments, just to name a few.
Our body doesn’t stash the story along with the pain, so it’s not something we can rationally talk ourselves out of. Hence, “just let it go” doesn’t work.
Steps to Begin Self-Forgiveness
When it comes to forgiveness, let’s consider more holistic options that combine logical techniques with somatic processing. We need a way to release these stored vortexes within us to shed the dead weight and feel aligned with our authentic selves.
Somatic Processing. Methods under this umbrella include nervous system healing, somatic experiencing, biofield therapy, breath work, and subconscious healing techniques. Somatic processing releases emotional buildup stored in the body, creating space for healthy energy to flow. It removes the heavy energy clouding your heart and mind, allowing you to think more clearly and have healthier thoughts and feelings toward yourself.
I always recommend seeing a professional trained in these modalities because they allow you to have a witness, which is one of the most powerful (and fastest) ways to heal. Psychologically, it honors a deep human need to be seen and heard. Professionals also help with integration to make this process easier for you.
Some at-home techniques include tutorials in somatic exercises (like this video here), breath work meditations, connecting with nature for 10 minutes a day, or your own somatic experience meditation practice (guided meditation here).
Acknowledge Your Feelings. I think for women, it’s a safety and defense mechanism to suppress our emotions. For the busy women of our time, it’s how we “keep it together,” a way to continue functioning and balancing everything. It’s how we avoid conflict, advance in our careers, dodge criticism and judgment, and maintain control… or so we think.
We also fear that everything will fall apart if we allow ourselves to feel our emotions. It’s the greatest illusion humans have invented out of the felt need to protect ourselves.
Start by recognizing and acknowledging the emotions you are experiencing. Allow yourself to feel without judgment. Some techniques for this include spending time in self-reflection; journaling can aid in understanding and processing emotions. There doesn’t have to be a template for this. Simply feel, write about how you’re feeling, and let it be. No need to change or control anything. I highly endorse the DailyOm website because it offers very affordable resources for guiding through self-reflection and healing; you can visit the site here.
Living in Alignment with Your Core Values. We all have our own unique set of core values within us. We use these core values as personal ethics or ideals that guide us when making decisions, building relationships, and solving problems. They are our blueprints as beautiful individuals. There is nothing you can do to get around these core values. You can’t change them to fit your situation, you can’t ignore them, and you can’t shove them down. This includes trying to live in an image someone else created for you (society, culture, family pressures). Re-evaluating and living in alignment with your core values can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment, replacing any negative emotions of guilt, shame, or resentment.
Make a list of your core values. Keep this list to two or three. For a list of values, you can click here. Once you have them narrowed down, make your efforts to live by these core values in your life. Let them guide your work, words, decisions, and actions.
Boundaries and Joy. My favorite topic :) I hope that my newsletters are becoming synonymous with boundaries. When we take on too much and ignore our joy factors, we leave ourselves open to experiencing guilt and shame. Create a life with fewer drainers and more joy. Complete an inventory of your day/week/month. See how many tasks or activities in your day are draining and how many bring you joy. If your drainers outweigh your joy, you will experience a buildup of resentment. The trick is to be honest with yourself here.
Self-Empathy and Positive Self-Talk. We mentioned this last week in our discussion on shame (here). If we are filled with self-empathy, we won’t have room to be mad or disappointed in ourselves. Try this: before you start your day, spend about ten minutes every morning with a somatic experience practice, followed by a kind words session. Pick a few kind words to say to yourself. Sometimes, it helps to create a script to read from so your mind can’t stray into negativity.
Acts of Confession. Lastly, if you have truly done something that requires an apology, maybe it’s time to reflect, admit your part, and apologize. If you can’t do this face-to-face, write a letter, make a phone call, or send a text. If communication is not an option, you can always visualize the conversation with the person. The visualization process works best with a guide.
Thank you for joining me today. I am truly honored to spend this time with you all. My official launch date for my new studio is being pushed back a little, I am working on getting the space painted. I will keep you posted! I’m excited to get to the part where I have some giveaways for you. I hope you have a blessed beginning to your summer.
Feel free to share this newsletter with your fellow sisters, we are always looking to expand this loving awareness to all women. Don’t forget to send in your thoughts and ideas for future topics!